Alumni Updates: Writing music again after a 15 year block
I thought it would be a lot easier. It takes a lot of work. Recovery has consumed my life, but, so did using. There was no pink cloud for me, far from it. I left The Cabin full of fear and excitement, brimming with positive and negative thoughts and emotions, pure confusion
There was no pink cloud for me, far from it. I left The Cabin full of fear and excitement, brimming with positive and negative thoughts and emotions, pure confusion. The childhood small t trauma work I did at the end really stirred me up; thankfully my counsellor quickly got me to look at my assets which helped settle me somewhat.
I thought it would be a lot easier. It takes a lot of work. Recovery has consumed my life, but, so did using.
I don’t like to be told what to do; however, I do believe in considering suggestions. The suggestions were, do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a Sponsor, do Step work and work the NA program. I do meetings daily (often even on Sundays which I deemed to be my day off). If I am in the UK, I do meetings daily; when abroad, I keep in touch with my Sponsor; and if fortunate enough, I get in a Cabin WebEx aftercare support meeting on Saturdays. So far, the locations I have been to have limited (and hard to get to) meetings, so these WebEx meetings are essential for me. I really enjoy connecting with the group.
Getting a sponsor was a fearful experience for me. Will they say no, will I feel rejected? It took me a lot of courage to ask. I had someone in mind, they were always very nice to me. One day I gathered the courage to ask and he wasn’t at the meeting that day. He would have probably been too busy anyway as he travels a lot. Various circumstances took place and I ended up asking someone else a couple of weeks later and he accepted. We are like chalk and cheese, so different to each other, and I find his insight and experience refreshing. The relationship is fun, honest and rewarding.
In the beginning I found that I felt going to NA meetings were a necessity , now I actually want to go to them rather than feel the need to go to them. I know I need them, but the feeling has shifted. The feeling of connecting with others helps me tremendously. I am in fear of being asked to do a chair and fret about it sometimes, the time will come…
My recovery comes first. During my working day I try and get a lunchtime meeting in. If a work commitment conflicts with a lunch meeting, I will only let it replace the NA meeting if I have a backup in the evening. My PA knows to not book me workwise at this time of day to ensure my recovery takes precedent over everything else.
I keep away from ‘likely to use’ situations as much as possible and have ‘little’ association with users. This is relatively easy for me as I didn’t really know any users and did it mostly isolated and alone.
I have been in the gym intermittently and do some meditation, although, probably not as often as I could. I am working on this. The Cabin had it all on tap, and with a busy work schedule, family, meetings, recovery it is hard to fit it all in. I do what I can.
I have started writing music again after a 15 year block, so something must be working!
I need to be careful with the wrong foods. I wasn’t that aware of how they made me feel before. I start hitting sugary foods and find that the aftermath is self-loathing; low self-worth and that can get the negative thoughts back very quickly. I do need to be mindful of this and work in this area some more as it can take me down the wrong path. Being even aware of this is very different for me.
I am doing the best to stay clean, one day at a time.